- Envying The Recluse
- December 20th, 2009
I have so many regrets in my life its pathetic. I wish I could start over from scratch and do everything differently. I'm rarely ever happy and when I am it is fleeting. I wonder what its like to live someone else's life...are the majority of people happy or are they generally like me? I've spent a large part of my life alone just thinking about how things are: what its like to have a bunch of close friends, what its like to have birthday parties, what its like to be in love, what its like to go off to college, general things like that. All the answers to these things are the same, disappointing. I spend so much time thinking about things that my mind blows them out of proportion and nothing that happens ever lives up to my expectations and dreams. I wish I wasn't like this but its too late to change my entire personality and being. At times I think I would be happier being completely alone having no contact with the outside world, living in my fantasy world. A recluse's life where I make my own reality. I've tried to be social, tried to be nice, tried to fit in and belong...nothing ever comes from it. They say things change over time and that things get better, well I've been waiting my entire life (24yrs) and NOTHING has changed and NOTHING has gotten better. How much longer do I have to wait? Until I'm 60 and life is coming to an end? I pretend that everything is alright but the pretending is cutting out my soul and leaving me bitter and downright mean. I hate who I am, who I've become, and who I will be if things carry on this way.